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Degrees of a hangover in your 30s
By Walt Dog
Let’s say you’re in your thirties and you’ve been classified as a “partier”, “drinker” or someone who likes to have fun. You may have spent your high school, college and twenties drinking and partying over other socially relevant tasks such as growing up, focusing on your career or starting a family.
If you’re a male, ages 18-35, went to college and lived this lifestyle it’s safe to say you have drank over 20,000 beers. Trust me, I’ve done the math and it’s very realistic.
Now you may be married, settled down, or only drink more than 5 beers a few times a month. You may think you’re an alcoholic but you know deep down your not. You hold down a job, make a nice living and maybe even have a little spawn or two in the household.
So when you go and drink now, you determine everything by the hangover. I have about twenty or so friends and I’ll use them as the sample for a scientific poll. This group covers the gamut of males who work as lawyers to small business owners. We recently have had a few bachelor parties, a trip to Myrtle Beach and our weekend sport outings.
So everyone has seen the rocky movies, at least on TNT so I’ll rank the level of hangover according to the Champ: Rocky 1 - “You’re the Champ” You’ve drunk 6 – 12 beers and you wake early feeling groggy, but Ok to fully function. No one believed in you but you came out on top. You can handle the day, whether blue or white collar. You probably were sober enough that you made it a point to eat late night at Denny’s and you stayed away from shots. You’re a man who exceeded all expectations and you pat yourself on the back. Rocky 2 - “ADRIAN!” You’re back at it again and you avoided blacking out. You may have been close to talking to drunken women who would have made you puke in the morning, but you stayed strong. Your friends told you they loved you and you were ready to drink to you puke and leave your significant other. But like Rocky, you yelled “Baby, I did it”. You drank 8-12 beers and your friends “Love ya Back!” Rocky 3 – “Hulkster” You’re calling out of work or in the doghouse as nothing is getting done around the house. Drinks were flowing like you lost someone (Mick) or your job (damn economy). Shots are flowing and you pick fights with Hulk Hogan or the dude with the spiked hair and Guido tight shirt. You drink like your back in your frat days – but you my friend are washed up. After 12-18 beers you are washed up and you are out of commission for at least 24 hours. Rocky 4 - “Iron Curtain” If you die, you die. Like training in 5 feet of snow while being watched by the USSR lynch men, you think you can take it to the next level. You drink like Rocky trains but you my friend wind up with the case of the runs and not the title. You feel very guilty from something or someone you may have done. Like losing a friend and trying to avenge your glory days, you drink to black-out mode. You dance and party like its 1999. Unfortunately for you, the end result is the crowd turns on you like Drago. Work is missed and you’re most likely dumped or sleeping on a couch. Rocky 5 – “Permanent brain damage” You get so drunk you don’t know when to quit. Your old, past your prime, and your “that dude” in the club. You get your but whipped by the college kids in a game of beer pong and then overcompensate for yourself by showing them your rich and buying them shots. Jell-O Shots and shooters off the bartender’s bellies are in order. You maxed out your credit card at the strip joint and your risk your life by returning to your teenage years. Tommy the Gun has more respect then you. You drink for over ten hours and you are drunk until 2pm the next day. You can’t function for 2-3 days. Rocky 6 – “Retirement” You drink shots and drinks all night and you simply are a disgrace. You hit on older women who think are hot cougars. After a night like this, you are so disgusted with yourself you “never will drink again”. Until the next time your wife leaves town.
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